KEVIN & STACY'S WORLWIDE ADVENTURES FOR BEER!

IF YOU KNOW THE SPEED OF LIGHT, THEN WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

2010-01-11T21:45:00Z

SUNDAY! WE MADE IT! Yup, we're finally home safe and sound in Palm Springs. It was about a 2,500 mile drive bringing that truck from Louisiana - and it was F'ING COLD! Why do any of those people live their small unimportant lives in cold weather?  We live our small and unimportant lives in warm weather - IT'S 78 DEGREES here in Palm Springs today! It sucks to be us, huh?

So here's the recap of the trip bringing that Penske Brand-X truck to California. We use "Brand-X" so you don't know the company since we're in negotiations with U-Haul for a sponsorship.   Anyway, there was some sort of governor or regulator on the engine that limited our speed to 75 MPH. You may not know this, but in west Texas the speed limit is 80 MPH. It took a bit of fiddling with the wires, but we finally got it disconnected and then nobody passed us! Driving, unlike sex, is all about speed.

The good news is that we saved a ton of money by sleeping in the back of the truck. We also cooked there and watched TV there. It was like our own little RV! We'd just pull up in Walmart parking lot, run an extension cord to any outlet we could find and it was just like being in a KOA! You know, we really are blessed to live in America. You just don't see this sort of sh_t in Red Square! Folks, it's good to be home, it's good to sleep in a bed (sofa-sleeper) and it's good to have a few beers to celebrate another landing we can walk away from...


   Removing that speed governor was no problem at all!                      Why stay at a motel when you can have this!

THE MIRACLE IS THAT THE COPS JUST LET US GO!

2010-01-08T03:25:00Z

THURSDAY (Wednesday - Humpday just sorta drifted away without a post - sorry!). Hello everybody and greetings from not-sunny New Mexico (which is neither "new" or "Mexico!"). We left San Antonio, Texas in the middle of the night for a variety of reasons, but mostly because it was best to leave under cover of darkness. We continue the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by Budweiser - YEAH!) driving a truck across the Southwest from Louisiana to California.

So the deal was to deliver this "Brand -X" truck, yada, yada, yada - but it's become much more than that! Today we got calls from U-Haul, Budget, Ryder and Al's Rent-All (3 locations to serve you in Odessa, Texas!). They all wanna sign us as spokespeople for their vehicles and have us drive around and write about our travels on the web. Our night school educated Public Defender is currently reviewing their offers, but we're leaning towards Al because his business plan seems to make the most sense. Anyway, until we ink a deal with one of them, we're only gonna refer to our current Penske truck as "Brand-X" so you don't know the company's name.

Let's see. Last night we held a Christian youth alcohol abuse wine and beer tasting in San Antonio. We figured our time was limited so we should just drink with professionals. Why waste time when you can just assemble the people that already have a problem and start drinking with them immediately. Of course there were "issues," and that's why we blasted out of town before the church knew why were using their community room, but all-in-all it worked out pretty damn good. Folks, we're already out of the state, the "Brand-X" truck is a real cruiser (we beat a Deputy Sheriff to the Pecos county line earlier today), and we hear that New Mexico beer is just as cold as Texas'....


                 This picture requires NO caption!                           Kevin leading the Christian substance abuse group!


  Wonder why our group got kicked out of the church!                          OK, we're soooooo moving here!

REMEMBER, THREE PEOPLE CAN KEEP A SECRET IF TWO OF THEM ARE DEAD!

2010-01-06T08:11:00Z

TUESDAY! GREETINGS from the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by those fine folks at Budweiser). We started the day in Houston, Texas but we ended the day in San Antonio. Yeah, yeah, the Alamo, the Riverwalk, Hill Country - we know all about that sh_t.   We didn't bring the Penske truck here for that tourist B.S. We're here for a free place to sleep - and because Interstate 10 runs through San Antonio.

Our good friends Ramon & Gloria live here and they said we could sleep on their couch if we let them use the Penske truck to move some crap from their garage. Look, we know it's a brand new truck, and we know we're supposed to be delivering it to California, but it's not like Roger Penske is watching us every f'ing minute. Besides, even if he is watching, what's he gonna do? Come to San Antonio and kick our asses?

Folks, this is one sweet deal. We not only get the truck and gasoline for free, they pay us $25 a day for expenses to deliver it across the country. Now our daily costs can run a bit higher than that, but since we've been sleeping in the back we have a few day's cash saved up. Tonight it was time to cut loose, have a little Thai food (San Antonio has better Pad Thai than Bangkok!) and drink a few beers. Okay, more than a few beers - what do you care? Are you Roger Penske?.....


           The day began with us getting out of bed!                                      HEY! We're part of the Penske family!


      There's no better place for Thai food than in Texas!             Kevin thinks they're fake - He said they feel like stone!

IT'S A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY - BUT DON'T WORRY, WE'LL LET YOU DOWN!

2010-01-05T04:28:00Z

MONDAY! Today is the DAY! That's right folks, the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by Budweiser who we love, and Penske who we're learning to love!) is on the road! We left New Orleans this morning by bus (NOT KIDDING) to Baton Rouge, Louisiana. That's where we picked up our Penske truck that they (the corporate suit types) are paying us to deliver to California in a week (AGAIN - NOT KIDDING!).

Let's see, we left Baton Rouge (which mean "Red Stick" in a real language) around noon and made it to Houston, Texas by around sunset. We didn't think it was responsible to drive "their" truck at night so we found a $29 dollar room at America's Best Value Inn (including breakfast buffet!) and headed for the nearest Hooters. Look, we're not gonna drive "their" truck after dark on an interstate, but nobody said ANYTHING about city streets after a few pitchers of beer.

Folks, you gotta love this deal! It's almost better than the public assistance scam, but we don't get health care at the free clinic. They give us the truck, they pay for the gas, they give us $25 dollars a day for expenses and we have ten f'ing days to drive it from Louisiana to California. Wait a minute - US! This is us we're talking about! What were they thinking? Anyway, tonight we're in Houston at Hooters and tomorrow we'll be on the road again. Our plan is to drive all the way to....


   New Orleans to Baton Rouge by bus - Ya gotta love it!     Our home on the road for the next week - TEAM PENSKE!


  Our favorite Hooters Girl in Houston & some brunette!                      LOOK! It's Stephanie, Kevin and Alicia!

THE ROAD CALLS - BUT OUR KIDS NEVER DO!

2010-01-03T20:44:00Z

SUNDAY! This is it - the last day in New Orleans for the Riding4Beer Winder Wonderland Tour (sponsored by "the King of Beers" - BUDWEISER!). And even though we're finally leaving the Big Easy (just ahead of our court hearing on pimping & pandering charges), we're nowhere near finished with the tour. There's still thousands of miles to go and tomorrow we hit the road. Exciting, huh?

Okay, now you all know that our normal tour transportation is a Harley Davidson, but have ya checked the weather outside? It's f'ing FREEZING! No bike for us this time. But folks, we have something that should be just a fun - and definitely with more opportunity for trouble - A 20ft Penske Truck! Oh yeah baby, we signed on to drive it one-way from Louisiana to California. God knows why they accepted us in their program, but the truck is free, they pay for gas and we have 10 days to get it there! NOT KIDDING!

Tomorrow morning we become long-haul truckers! We found a website (when not looking at internet porn) where you can sign up to deliver cars and trucks across the country and this is what we were assigned. We were hoping for a Ferrari, or at least a Volvo station wagon (the safest car in the world!), but we got a 20ft commercial step-van! What they don't realize is that we definitely have plans for the cargo area - like sleeping in it! We also have other plans, but we'll have to find just the right Hooters waitress for those. In the meantime, we had a going-away party last night here in New Orleans and our next post tomorrow will be onthe road from...


The crowd waiting for the Riding4Beer going-away party!                Jamie & Jenny were lucky to get seats at the party!


    Sandra & John can't believe we're playing strip poker!                Hey! When you loose at strip poker you have to pay!

IT'S THE DAY AFTER THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE!

2010-01-02T20:52:00Z

SATURDAY! Let's see, It's after New Year's Eve, it's After New Year's Day, we're still in New Orleans and we're still alive - sorta! Folks, we sincerely hope you had a GREAT New Year's because we think we did! Actually, we remember parts of it and other parts we've been able to reconstruct from photograhs on our camera and police reports. Thank God somebody was taking notes!

Let's see - it all started with a walk down Bourbon Street. Okay, walk is not really the operative verb. It was more like a "squeeze" down Bourbon Street. We think we had sex with fifty or sixty different people in just a few blocks and we never took off our clothes and we didn't know any them. Honestly (and you know we ALWAYS tell the truth), it was as crowded as during Mardi Gras. Warm, drunk people everywhere! Can it get any better?

Anyway, we settled into our regular stools at the world famous Boondock-Saint Bar and the evening just sorta took over after that. People came in, people left, beer was served (Budweiser, of course!) and, and, and...  Look, we know that many of you just watched network TV at home drinking some cheap ass wine while your snot-nosed kids ran wild around your sub-prime loan financed tract home - but hey, not everybody can get arrested - TWICE - in New Orleans in one night. Somebody has to do it and we enjoyed the full body cavity searches by the police so much we're gonna try again tonight...


           Bourbon Street at 7pm on New Year's Eve!                    Remember, the key to higher education is research!


This picture is for all of you that request "more of Stacy!"           This picture was used by the D.A. as evidence!


               It's a whole new way to play air guitar!                    If they didn't drink all night with Stacy they would have won!

2009 YEAR-IN REVIEW (The Director's Cut)

2009-12-31T14:00:00Z

DECEMBER 31 - IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE! Okay, hold onto your covered body parts, it's not 2010 yet - BUT IT WILL BE SOON! We're kinda worried because remember the last time it was the end of a decade? There was all that fear about computers blowing up and satellites falling from the sky because of the date change. How come nobody is blabbing about that sh_t this time around? F'ing Intel Pentiums - those bastards!

Anyway, here on the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by those year-in/year-out folks at Budweiser!) we thought it would only be appropriate to have our own "Year in Review" just like the talking heads on color TV news shows. Of course our list of things to remember is a little different than what the big city New York folks came up with. Oh, and we're also including a section on things we don't need to remember about 2009 - which they never have on TV with sappy music playing in the background.

Folks, it's difficult for us to look back on 2009. We don't even have rear view mirrors on our Harley because we figure what's behind us doesn't really matter, right? But, we do understand the whole nostalgia, boo-hoo, those were the days mentality, so we checked our Palm Pilot, reviewed our Blackberry, went back through our Outlook mailbox, printed out the contents of our Micro SD cellphone chips and also looked at what we still had written on our palms in ballpoint pen. HERE GOES!

2009 - THINGS TO REMEMBER!

1.0 (WINDOWS 95) The Riding4Beer Magical Mystery Tour. How could we not make this number one? IT'S US! Remember? We rode 14,000 miles over three months around the perimeter of America on our Harley. Trust us, we remember it because the insurance claims are still being settled and there are still "no-knock" arrest warrants being served on us by half-witted prosecuters from bullsh_t midwestern states.

1.5 (WINDOWS 2000) Little Wayne Goes to Jail. Okay, we couldn't make this number one because then you couldn't call us self-centered bastards, but aside from that, this gets number 1.5 because we're still clueless how he could get arrested, convicted and go to jail in New Orleans for carrying a weapon in public. Everyone carries weapons in New Orleans! - they should be arrested for stupidity if they don't!

1.5.5 (WINDOWS XP) Tiger Woods. We sooooo wanna know how he picked up all those waitresses and hostesses. We've been using pickup lines on them for years (even that we're Tiger Woods!) without his kind of success. For that alone he's our 2009 Man of the Year - and remember, "...once you go golfer you never go back!"

Rev. 2.0 (VISTA) Michael Jackson Died. Okay, we really don't care about this, but it does remind us about other folks that moved on in 2009 and that we'll miss in the future. Folks like David Carradine who died exactly how we wanna go - from a kinky sex act. And folks like Billy Mays from who we bought crate loads of OxyClean. For the record, we'd NEVER buy a Sham-wow from that other assh_le. ROCK ON guys!

10. (WINDOWS 7) Michaele & Tareq Salahi. Right f'ing on! Why shouldn't common Walmart shopping folks that own a winery and play polo get to go to White House parties. Isn't the White House the "house of the people?" Look, we understand security procedures like not letting people bring bottles of  shampoo larger than 3 ounces into the White House, but even at the airport they check to make sure we have a ticket! Besides, Michaele not only crashed the White House party with luvy hubby Tareq, she also pretended to be a Washington Redskins Cheerleader for three years! - YOU GO GIRL!

THINGS TO FORGET!

-1.0. Jon & Kate Gosselin.   Assh_le and B_tch! Okay, forgotten.

-10.0 Richard, Mayumi & Falcon Heene. "Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?" What kind of name is "Falcon" anyway?

-100.0 Miss California (for a day) Carrie Prejean. Okay, we sooooooo hated this fake titty'd b_tch until we saw the sex tape on YouPorn.com. Then we really hated her! No group stuff, no girl-on-girl, no BDSM, no animals! What kind of a sh_tty sex tape is this?

                                                                                 DRINK - UP!  IT'S NEW YEAR'S!

          THAT'S ALL FOLKS - SEE YA NEXT YEAR! (Oh yeah, that's in just a few hours!)

DRINKING IS OUR EXCUSE FOR DROPPING OUT OF JUNIOR HIGH!

2009-12-29T21:53:00Z

TUESDAY! Hey, how long have we been sleeping? It seems like just yesterday we were out drinking and watching Monday Night Football.   Oh yeah, we were! We settled into the world famous Chartres House Bar (not our sponsor - cheapskates!) here in the French Quarter of New Orleans and began ordering ice cold Budweisers (they are our sponsor - YEAH!) like prohibition was a week away (it's not - don't worry!). Anyway, we remember there was football on the TV, and we remember someone yelling, "...you assholes have to pay - get back here!," but we really don't remember much else.

Folks, we're about a two weeks into the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by the folks who's checks never bounce - BUDWEISER!) and our livers probably will need dry cleaning before it all comes to an inglorious end in about a month. Yes, we're still in New Orleans, and yes we know it's supposed to be a tour, but what's wrong with touring all the bars in the French Quarter before we move on? We'll hit the road soon (like after the weekend after New Years, after New Years Eve, after tomorrow), and if you thought it couldn't get any crazier than New Orleans, just wait!

We've signed on as "one-way" drivers to deliver a truck cross country to California. NOT KIDDING! Starting next week, we are getting paid to drive an empty Penske Delivery Truck from Baton Rouge, Louisiana all the way to Banning, California. Just think about it. We'll be navigating our way in a brand new 16 foot step-van 2,700 miles across the southwest - and we have 10 days to do it! And they're paying us! And we're also getting regular checks from Budweiser at the same time! Folks, it's the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by Budweiser, but with Penske closing in fast!) and every day you'll see us outdoing ourselves to achieve new lows in humanity right here! In the meantime, we need to go back to the Chartres House Bar and see if some tourist's VISA card we "found" (in his wallet) will clear last night's tab and maybe - just maybe - buy us a few more beers...


     Stacy & her friend, Cliff, discuss the classics and ......           Shocking as it seems, they left together for about an hour!


It turns out that Cliff's house was a block away - assh_ole!          Stacy's motto - "one good squeezer deserves a beer!"

CHRISTMAS ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR BUT PUBLIC ASSISTANCE COMES ONCE A MONTH!

2009-12-25T19:08:00Z

CHRISTMAS! Yeah, we didn't put up a post yesterday - it was our contractually entitled, "Religious Observation TIme." It was buried in paragraph 14a(ii) and we're glad our night school educated lawyer snuck that past the fancy suits from our sponsor (we love ya Budweiser, but you signed the contract!). Even you folks out there that work at Walmart (and we know there are plenty of you having your kids read this to you right now) get days off - why not us?

Now of course today is the "official" day that the Christians stole from the pagans to celebrate, but why live in the past? We thought about being Buddhists so we could get some of those cool orange robes but we just couldn't sit cross legged long enough. We also thought about being Jewish but we wanted a homeland that had oil. We liked the idea of getting 72 virgins if we were Muslim, but being called to prayer five times a day seemed a bit excessive to us - even if we did get the virgins. WICCA had a certain attraction for us with the spells and sh_t, but other than Glenda in the WIzard of Oz we've never seen a hot witch.

On the other hand, buying an plastic (made from recycled grocery bags!) replica of a pine tree and covering it with blinking lights (Energy-Saver rated of course) didn't seem too appealing either. And then expecting some fat communist (he wears red, right?) to break into our trailer through the propane stove vent and redistribute wealth (told you he was communist) by giving us presents other people left in bins at the mall was just a bit out there. Nope, in the end we decided it was just easier to have another beer, consider the social/economic issues inherent with Kwanzaa and then have another beer, and another beer, and.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM KEVIN & STACY!

TWO'S COMPANY AND THREE'S A GREAT TIME!

2009-12-22T21:12:00Z

TUESDAY! Yup, it's that useless day of the week but the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by those Christmas Elves at Budweiser) keeps right on going. We're not gonna let a worthless day named after a low-rent number ("2") ruin our good time, but why couldn't there be Threesday? Now that's a pretty damn good number! Think about it. 3-for-1 beers, third time's a charm, and of course, threesomes! You've never heard anyone say that the second time is a charm or that they wanna have a twosome!

Anyway, last night was a typical Monday Night Football night for us on Bourbon Street. We started out at some B.S. bar that ran out of beer before the first quarter of the game was over (NOT KIDDING!). Not only did they not have any Budweiser (our loving sponsor - HEY, send more money!), they didn't even have any Brand "X" beer! Well, you can't really watch football if you're sober (because then you really care about the game), so we took to the streets. Let's just say that it was f'ing freezing and we didn't have enough anti-freeze in our system.

The good news is that in the French Quarter you are never more than about 50 feet away from a bar. We took refuge from the cold in the very next establishment and it turned out to be a pretty damn good choice.  They didn't have any TV's showing the game and there weren't any sports fans drinking there so it was the perfect place for Monday Night Football! And before the night was over it was filled with fat drunk tourists from exotic places like Omaha and Des Moines so it really couldn't get more fun. The good news is that tonight is another night, we saw the beer trucks lined up along Bourbon Street restocking and there'll be World Cup Soccer or Ice Hockey on a TV somewhere, so that's the perfect reason to have a beer or 20...


Kevin shouldn't have gone behind the bar checking for beer!                  It's cold here - almost 50 degrees!


     RESTOCKING! But why is that driver flipping us off?                          HEY! They looked in our refrigerator!

THERE ARE GOOD JOBS AND THEN THERE ARE HAND JOBS!

2009-12-21T17:16:00Z

MONDAY! Carpe Diem! Actually we prefer another version - Carpe Fermentus! (Seize the Beer!). Folks it's the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL week here in the French Quarter in New Orleans. It's Christmas week and we're expecting a lot of presents - not from friends and family, but from public agencies. We 're hoping for bags of groceries, a free Christmas tree, maybe even some toys for the kids (that we don't have). See, sometimes it pays to have seven Social Security Numbers!

Anyway, today we were up bright and early (11am Central TIme) so we could make it to our part timejobs. That's right, we have employment here in New Orleans. We're Parking Dummies! It's the best job going and here's how it works. People that have meetings or other b_llshit in the central business district, and are too cheap to pay $20 bucks for an hour of parking, pay us $10 to sit in their double parked cars on the street and move 'em around the block if the cops come (NOT KIDDING!). Sometimes the meetings only last 20 minutes or so, but we still get the full $10 bucks! Oh, but it gets even better.

We know that we're supposed to sit right outside the building in their car and only move it around the block if the cops come, but we figure why take that chance. As soon as the rich assh_oles go in to their meetings we take off with the car and head to a strip club or rent it out as a gypsy cab and run people to the airport. If they come out early and the car is gone we just tell 'em we had to move it around the block and got stuck being someone unloading office furniture - works every time! And today we even have about $20 left over (after lap dance fees) from the $100 we made!   After our hard days work we're headed out to celebrate with Monday Night Football, a few new friends (Tianna and Pettsie) we made at the strip club (when their shift ends) and some ice cold Budweiser!...


Guys like this NEVER know where we've taken their car!             This guy didn't even have time to wait to be in the photo!


    We ran 4 Japanese tourists to the airport in this baby!                       The taxi scam doubles our hourly earnings!

SHOW US A GOOD LOSER AND WE'LL SHOW YOU A LOSER!

2009-12-20T19:25:11Z

SUNDAY! It may be the day of the Lord, but here in New Orleans today is a also a day of mourning! There's only one thing people take seriously down here and that's football. Okay, they also take drinking and sex seriously, but that's just because they've been doing both since 3rd grade. Anyway, last night the New Orleans Saints lost their football game here in the Superdome and the aftermath wasn't pretty. Drunken fist fights, gunshots, arson - and that was just at church this morning!

Look, it wasn't always this way. Just 24 hours ago Saints fever gripped the city. Thousands of fans took to the streets yesterday before game, drinking, cheering, drinking, yelling and drinking. It was a happy mob scene all over the city with big expectations for another New Orleans win and a continued perfect 14-0 season. People in cars and trucks cruised the streets honking and cheering - Kevin even hopped in one truck and cruised the city for awhile, but he was bonking and jeering so they left him on a corner in the 9th Ward.

By game time, Bourbon Street was flooded with fans - all searching for a bar with a big screen TV and a pirated connection to the NFL Cable Network. It was a mini-Mardi Gras until......until the Saints LOST! Okay, the downside of having to drop out of school in 4th grade because you're pregnant or in the burn unit because your crack lab blew up, is that you never really develop critical thinking skills. You never really learn to consider the alternative outcome of situations like, "what if the Saints lose?" Clearly this option came as a total surprise to most fans and they reacted with anger, rage, violence and...and....and.....lots of drinking and sex - WE LOVE NEW ORLEANS!....


            Kevin made it all the way to the 9th Ward!                                 The search for free cable TV to watch the game!


Pregnant in 4th grade means you can get welfare in 5th grade!                  The Saints lost? I never considered that!

OH WHEN THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN!

2009-12-19T20:56:00Z

SATURDAY! Okay, calm down. Yes it's the weekend and yes we're still in New Orleans, but this isn't just any weekend and this isn't just any New Orleans. IT'S NEW ORLEANS SAINTS WEEKEND! Folks, even if you're not a football fan you gotta know about the big game tonight here between the Saints and the Cowboys. It's as crazy around town today as during the peak of Mardi Gras - even though we don't think the Cowboys have a chance of winning the Stanley Cup since they traded away Kobe Bryant last year to the Dodgers.

In the meantime, we wandered out of the French Quarter earlier today, across the Mariegny Triangle and into the Bywater area of New Orleans. Normally we'd carry large bore weapons with us to venture down there, but with Saints Fever in town even the street gangs are feeling it and we escaped without a single attempted robbery or assault. For those of you unfamiliar with New Orleans, when you hear "Bywater" just think 9th Ward. It's not technically the "Ward" but it is just across the Industrial Canal and there's plenty of places to cross.

So what would take us 20 blocks from Bourbon Street, 3-for-1 dollar beers and drunk busty tourists flashing for 10 cent strings of beads? AN ART SHOW IN AN F'ING PUBLIC PARK! Oh yeah Baby, we heard that artists are easy marks and we're willing to travel if the effort pays off. Besides, we need more homemade junk to put in our mobile home back in Palm Springs. In the end though, it really wasn't worth the trip. Neither of us even got a quick squeezer out of it, none of the artists were wearing garter belts or anything remotely like lingerie and they didn't allow open beer containers in the park. But now we're safely back in the French Quarter, the game is just 5 hours away and it's time to start the pre-game show...


No beer? No Lingerie? What kind of an art show is this?                   Of course it is - isn' everything in this world?


       It's the only offer of a squeezer Kevin got all day!                  Stacy demonstrates her 3-point spyder pint of blood move!

THE EARTH SHALL INHERIT THE MEEK!

2009-12-18T19:26:00Z

FRIDAY! Rejoice, REJOICE! It's the WEEKEND! Yup, believe it or not, even with the time zone difference between Palm Springs and New Orleans, Friday is still the weekend here too. It's just like magic only different! It's now day two of the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by a Christmas favorite - Budweiser!) and we're definitely feeling the "Winter" part of the Wonderland! It's f'ing cold down here. What happened to global warming? We knew Al Gore was a lying bastard.

Anyway, there was a bit of excitement last night (isn't there always?). We were safe and sound in our rented room here in the French Quarter when members of the New Orleans law enforcement community arrived with some papers. We reacted normally (for us) and hid behind our couch. That probably wasn't such a good idea because it just pissed them off when they had to break out the bullhorn and shout, "we know you're in there - throw down you weapons!"   Stacy tossed every battery operated device she had in her nightstand out the door and we came out with our hands up.

It turns out that it was a case of mistaken identity. They were looking for some pimp and not us (this time). Anyway, we figured it would be a good idea to go out today and find a Supercuts somewhere to change our appearance. The guy they're looking for is still at large and we had our pimping and pandering charges expunged from our records over a year ago. It's better to be safe than sorry, and besides, we know the guy they're looking for and we're now getting a nice cut of his action for not singing like birds. Folks, it's the weekend, we have new hair (or at least shorter hair) and there's plenty of beers calling our name on Bourbon Street...


They parked right on the sidewalk and blocked our door!               We can get these free from Kimee and Chrysaliss!


      They'll NEVER recognize Kevin after this haircut!                             Stacy didn't even recognize him - stay tuned....

AND SO ANOTHER LONG SORDID TALE BEGINS!

2009-12-17T19:55:00Z

THURSDAY! Here we go again - it's another Riding4Beer tour and it's sponsored by Budweiser (even though they won't return our calls!). That's right, it's the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour and there'll be plenty of crap put up here on the web EVERY DAY! Think about it, can your life get any better? Oh yeah baby! We got extensions on all of our court appearances and we don't really care if the process servers or bill collectors ever find us. That's all just paperwork anyway!

So here's the deal - we live in Palm Springs and it's a desert (DUH!). Anyway, it rained there a few days ago - which is total bullsh_t and not the kind of weather we pay high taxes for - so we called up our good old sponsor Budweiser (the "King of Beers"), sweet talked 'em into floating us a little cashola and we're on the move again! We got some last minute, standby, overbooked, internet, discount, frequent flier, tickets on Southwest Airlines (the "public bus" of the air!) and flew to New Orleans. We got here last night, we'll be here for awhile and then it's a drive around the southern U.S., a trip back to California and finally down to Mexico for a week or two.

That's right, we'll be at this until February! Don't you wish you had our lives instead of living on Public Assistance and showing up at your job as a Walmart greeter to pay off your bookie before he breaks your legs? Oh wait minute, that's us! Damn it! We knew we should've finished that correspondence course and gotten our GED's! Anyway, the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour is underway, we're in New Orleans and you need to check back here everyday in case we need bail. In the meantime, we're off to Bourbon Street to find some 3-for-1 Budweisers and hopefully a down on her luck stripper or two...


    Rain in Palm Springs? We want our f'ing money back!                Better yet, let's go on tour - it always worked for Michael Jackson!


Oh look! A movie being filmed right here in the French Quarter!            Kevin immediately volunteered and got a part as an extra!

NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE CORNER!

2009-12-06T20:04:00Z

SUNDAY! Did you go to church this morning? WE DIDN'T! Why would we? They don't really welcome Jewish Buddhists - or us either! Anyway, why would we get up early, shower, put on fancy clothes and drive miles to sit on wooden benches to hear some guy babble about our sins. Trust us - we know what our sins are and REALLY enjoyed all of them! Besides, there are plenty of online churches we can attend right here on the internet - like "PornTube.com."

Folks, this was a weird, weird weekend. It started yesterday (technically, weekends start on Thursday because that's Friday Eve, but we digress) with wooden pink elephants rolling down the street in front of our trailer. They were soon followed by teenagers carrying giant bunches of ballons. Seriously - and we weren't even drinking yet - but we started after that! Oh, did we mention that we live on a dead end street? Where were these crazies coming from and going to?

Next came the drumming. We couldn't figure out where it was coming from, but it just grew louder and louder. Later, when we stole our neighbor's newspaper, we found out there were free Peruvian Drum lessons being offered - AND WE MISSED THEM! After that disappointment we headed down to Palm Canyon Drive (yup, "the" Palm Canyon Drive, baby) and began drinking heavily. The night ended in a blur, but the police reports and photos (which were seized as "evidence" by law enforcement) indicate we had a GREAT time. Church? We'd rather atone for our sins with a cold Budweiser!...


                     What the F_ck is going on here?                             They walked by too fast to hit the balloons with our BB gun!


    How could we have missed this GREAT opportunity?                     This was just before the police were called!

I DIDN'T GET DRUNK - I WAS SOBRIETY CHALLENGED!

2009-12-03T19:24:00Z

THURSDAY! FRIDAY EVE! The weekend is here everybody, and just in time. Well, it actually started last night for me (Kevin) because Stacy is out of town taking care of some family issues (arrest warrants, unwanted pregnancies, drug addiction, you name it!). Anyway, since Friday is the weekend and Thursday is Friday Eve, it just made sense that Wednesday is Thursday Eve. And, since propositional and predicate logic is something I feel strongly about, that conclusion left no recourse for me other than to go out and have a few beers.

Okay, it was Wednesday night and Stacy was 500 miles away dealing with her brother's Oxycodone "problem," but I figured why waste drinking time? (for those of you without a GED, that's a rhetorical question so it does not require an email response!). Folks, it turns out that allot of people felt the same way that I did and were out preparing mentally for the coming holiday season. I visited several bars (because I was thrown out of several bars) and every one was packed!

My intention was to just have a beer or two, drive back to the mobile home, enjoy some Hamburger Helper and watch a little porn on the internet. As it turned out, I only did have one or two beers (cases), the Palm Springs Police graciously dropped me off at our trailer, our dog had eaten most of the Hamburger Helper and Stacy had set the parental controls on our computer so internet porn was out! The good news is that with our pirated cable connection I could still watch the "Spice Channel" on TV, there was some leftover tuna casserole from Thanksgiving in the fridge, our 1986 Taurus was safely parked in some bar's parking lot and tonight is Friday Eve! Did someone say beer?....


                   One bar down - but the night is young!                           Our Public Defender reacting to my claim of innocence!


      At some point drool seemed to be always present!                         I still wonder why the police drove me home!

WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY - THE MICE WILL.....ER.....CROSS DRESS!

2009-12-02T20:02:00Z

WEDNESDAY! HUMPDAY! Believe us - you can h_mp in the middle of the week too - it's not just a weekend activity. Try it! Anyway, this morning after celebrating Wednesday, Stacy hopped on a plane out of town for a few days. Apparently there's some B.S. family stuff that needs taking care of somewhere and I'm scared to handle it. Whatever! Sooooooo, with Stacy gone, there's plenty of time for..... CROSS DRESSING!

Oh, you betcha! Look, we all know that Stacy wonders why her clothes are all stretched out of shape, but it's just our little secret, okay? Admit it! We ALL enjoy lingerie, so why not wear it rather than looking at it on porn websites? Besides, Stacy left me without a sitter so why wouldn't I rummage through her dresser? There's some pretty cool stuff in there, and I'm not just talking about the battery operated sh_t!

Folks, let's be honest. We know you look in people's medicine cabinets when you visit their houses (WE DO!). We know you root through your kids' stuff looking for drugs and porn (our kids were taken away by CPS years ago), so why not look in the ole' dresser drawers when no one's around. And if something just happens to strike your fancy and might fit? WHEW! Look for me tonight in the bars around Palm Springs - I'll be drinking a lot of beer and I'll be wearing.....er....ah....er.....


         Stacy at the Palm Springs airport this morning!                                  Kevin back home just 15 minutes later!


    Do you think this top will show my boobs too much?                              This glitter lipstick is f'ing AWESOME!

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE ..... THE MORE THEY'RE DIFFERENT!

2009-12-01T22:37:00Z

MONDAY! TUESDAY! WEDNESDAY! WHATEVER!    Does the day really matter? Well sorta, but that's only because it's Tuesday (which is the most useless day of the week). Otherwise, every day is a Riding4Beer (sponsored by those great folks at Budweiser!) day! Soooooooo, what have you been up to? Better yet, what have we been up to? (because it is all about us!)

Well, we survived Thanksgiving and only gained about 3 pounds. And we did that without eating any turkey, stuffing or yams - damn water weight! Now we're in preparation for some major touring action starting in just a few weeks. That's right, starting in the middle of December we'll be flying to New Orleans, partying through New Years and then driving back to California across the Southwest. It's all part of the Riding4Beer Holiday Tour (sponsored by you know who - yup, the King of Beers!").

But the fun doesn't stop when we reach Palm Springs mid-January. The very next week those corporate bastards at Budweiser (third time we mentioned you guys - we wanna pay raise!) are sending us to Mexico! Oh, don't think Cancun, or Cabo - nope - they're sending us to some B.S. fishing village (we think it's named "Playa Del Taco") to meet the "real" Mexico. Oh, you know how this is gonna end, right? Can you say, "Federale?" Folks, stay tuned, because with all the preparations for the Riding4Beer Holiday Tour in full swing, you won't wanna miss a single day of the insanity leading up to the beginning. In the meantime, we're so stressed we need to take a break from all the planning and have a few cold beers - or twenty...


Stacy was supposed to planning, not looking at porn!          We need this tour to be successful so we can get a new car!


Kevin's working (drinking) so hard he can't stay awake!          That's what we do - we "resort to retreating from sobriety!"

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU HEAR, "SWAPPING?"

2009-11-22T18:00:00Z

SUNDAY! Okay, we're finally out of bed after sleeping 12 straight hours. Folks, we had to get up in the middle of the night yesterday (7am) to participate in an opportunity to make SERIOUS money. Sure, sure, you're thinking we hosted another Tupperware party, or signed up three more levels of sales "opportunities" under our Amway distributorship - but that's not it at all! Nope, we cleaned out the three metal storage containers we have in back of our trailer, hauled all the sh_t to the other end of the Valley and set up a booth at the Valley V-Twin Swap Meet!

First, let's be clear about this whole "swapping thing." We knew we had to bring motorcycle parts to trade or sell, but we thought that "swapping" had a whole different meaning. Let's just say that we pissed a few couples off until we finally figured it out.   Once we were clear about the concept, we settled in behind our folding picnic table, spread out a bunch of greasy, dented pieces of chrome and prepared to rake in the big bucks. We were joined by our friend Mike (the future California State Insurance Commissioner) who split the cost of our 10' x 10' space (it was free) and added to the pile of rusting junk for sale.

So here's the deal - between us we made almost $100 bucks, our garage and storage containers are clean and we got to sit in the desert sun for six hours telling lies to potential buyers. Our lines went something like, "...of course this will fit your bike - it's a universal fit, it's brand new and if you bought it retail it would run at least $300 dollars." After this, they would usually offer us $5 bucks, we'd counter at $4 and settle for $3 (we're not really good at negotiating). The good news is that we figure the $100 bucks we made will go a long way towards buying beer, there was free coffee and donuts all day and before we figured out the whole "swapping thing" we got one couple's hotel room number along with a date and a time...


Stacy handled all the paperwork while Kevin & Mike set up.       Ok, we had a different idea about this "swapping thing."


          Kevin & Mike had their sales pitch down cold!                        It's too bad they were set up in another parking lot!