2009 YEAR-IN REVIEW (The Director's Cut)
DECEMBER 31 - IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE! Okay, hold onto your covered body parts, it's not 2010 yet - BUT IT WILL BE SOON! We're kinda worried because remember the last time it was the end of a decade? There was all that fear about computers blowing up and satellites falling from the sky because of the date change. How come nobody is blabbing about that sh_t this time around? F'ing Intel Pentiums - those bastards!
Anyway, here on the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by those year-in/year-out folks at Budweiser!) we thought it would only be appropriate to have our own "Year in Review" just like the talking heads on color TV news shows. Of course our list of things to remember is a little different than what the big city New York folks came up with. Oh, and we're also including a section on things we don't need to remember about 2009 - which they never have on TV with sappy music playing in the background.
Folks, it's difficult for us to look back on 2009. We don't even have rear view mirrors on our Harley because we figure what's behind us doesn't really matter, right? But, we do understand the whole nostalgia, boo-hoo, those were the days mentality, so we checked our Palm Pilot, reviewed our Blackberry, went back through our Outlook mailbox, printed out the contents of our Micro SD cellphone chips and also looked at what we still had written on our palms in ballpoint pen. HERE GOES!
2009 - THINGS TO REMEMBER!
1.0 (WINDOWS 95) The Riding4Beer Magical Mystery Tour. How could we not make this number one? IT'S US! Remember? We rode 14,000 miles over three months around the perimeter of America on our Harley. Trust us, we remember it because the insurance claims are still being settled and there are still "no-knock" arrest warrants being served on us by half-witted prosecuters from bullsh_t midwestern states.
1.5 (WINDOWS 2000) Little Wayne Goes to Jail. Okay, we couldn't make this number one because then you couldn't call us self-centered bastards, but aside from that, this gets number 1.5 because we're still clueless how he could get arrested, convicted and go to jail in New Orleans for carrying a weapon in public. Everyone carries weapons in New Orleans! - they should be arrested for stupidity if they don't!
1.5.5 (WINDOWS XP) Tiger Woods. We sooooo wanna know how he picked up all those waitresses and hostesses. We've been using pickup lines on them for years (even that we're Tiger Woods!) without his kind of success. For that alone he's our 2009 Man of the Year - and remember, "...once you go golfer you never go back!"
Rev. 2.0 (VISTA) Michael Jackson Died. Okay, we really don't care about this, but it does remind us about other folks that moved on in 2009 and that we'll miss in the future. Folks like David Carradine who died exactly how we wanna go - from a kinky sex act. And folks like Billy Mays from who we bought crate loads of OxyClean. For the record, we'd NEVER buy a Sham-wow from that other assh_le. ROCK ON guys!
10. (WINDOWS 7) Michaele & Tareq Salahi. Right f'ing on! Why shouldn't common Walmart shopping folks that own a winery and play polo get to go to White House parties. Isn't the White House the "house of the people?" Look, we understand security procedures like not letting people bring bottles of shampoo larger than 3 ounces into the White House, but even at the airport they check to make sure we have a ticket! Besides, Michaele not only crashed the White House party with luvy hubby Tareq, she also pretended to be a Washington Redskins Cheerleader for three years! - YOU GO GIRL!
THINGS TO FORGET!
-1.0. Jon & Kate Gosselin. Assh_le and B_tch! Okay, forgotten.
-10.0 Richard, Mayumi & Falcon Heene. "Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?" What kind of name is "Falcon" anyway?
-100.0 Miss California (for a day) Carrie Prejean. Okay, we sooooooo hated this fake titty'd b_tch until we saw the sex tape on YouPorn.com. Then we really hated her! No group stuff, no girl-on-girl, no BDSM, no animals! What kind of a sh_tty sex tape is this?
DRINK - UP! IT'S NEW YEAR'S!
THAT'S ALL FOLKS - SEE YA NEXT YEAR! (Oh yeah, that's in just a few hours!)
Anyway, here on the Riding4Beer Winter Wonderland Tour (sponsored by those year-in/year-out folks at Budweiser!) we thought it would only be appropriate to have our own "Year in Review" just like the talking heads on color TV news shows. Of course our list of things to remember is a little different than what the big city New York folks came up with. Oh, and we're also including a section on things we don't need to remember about 2009 - which they never have on TV with sappy music playing in the background.
Folks, it's difficult for us to look back on 2009. We don't even have rear view mirrors on our Harley because we figure what's behind us doesn't really matter, right? But, we do understand the whole nostalgia, boo-hoo, those were the days mentality, so we checked our Palm Pilot, reviewed our Blackberry, went back through our Outlook mailbox, printed out the contents of our Micro SD cellphone chips and also looked at what we still had written on our palms in ballpoint pen. HERE GOES!
2009 - THINGS TO REMEMBER!
1.0 (WINDOWS 95) The Riding4Beer Magical Mystery Tour. How could we not make this number one? IT'S US! Remember? We rode 14,000 miles over three months around the perimeter of America on our Harley. Trust us, we remember it because the insurance claims are still being settled and there are still "no-knock" arrest warrants being served on us by half-witted prosecuters from bullsh_t midwestern states. 1.5 (WINDOWS 2000) Little Wayne Goes to Jail. Okay, we couldn't make this number one because then you couldn't call us self-centered bastards, but aside from that, this gets number 1.5 because we're still clueless how he could get arrested, convicted and go to jail in New Orleans for carrying a weapon in public. Everyone carries weapons in New Orleans! - they should be arrested for stupidity if they don't! 1.5.5 (WINDOWS XP) Tiger Woods. We sooooo wanna know how he picked up all those waitresses and hostesses. We've been using pickup lines on them for years (even that we're Tiger Woods!) without his kind of success. For that alone he's our 2009 Man of the Year - and remember, "...once you go golfer you never go back!" Rev. 2.0 (VISTA) Michael Jackson Died. Okay, we really don't care about this, but it does remind us about other folks that moved on in 2009 and that we'll miss in the future. Folks like David Carradine who died exactly how we wanna go - from a kinky sex act. And folks like Billy Mays from who we bought crate loads of OxyClean. For the record, we'd NEVER buy a Sham-wow from that other assh_le. ROCK ON guys! 10. (WINDOWS 7) Michaele & Tareq Salahi. Right f'ing on! Why shouldn't common Walmart shopping folks that own a winery and play polo get to go to White House parties. Isn't the White House the "house of the people?" Look, we understand security procedures like not letting people bring bottles of shampoo larger than 3 ounces into the White House, but even at the airport they check to make sure we have a ticket! Besides, Michaele not only crashed the White House party with luvy hubby Tareq, she also pretended to be a Washington Redskins Cheerleader for three years! - YOU GO GIRL!THINGS TO FORGET!
-1.0. Jon & Kate Gosselin. Assh_le and B_tch! Okay, forgotten. -10.0 Richard, Mayumi & Falcon Heene. "Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?" What kind of name is "Falcon" anyway? -100.0 Miss California (for a day) Carrie Prejean. Okay, we sooooooo hated this fake titty'd b_tch until we saw the sex tape on YouPorn.com. Then we really hated her! No group stuff, no girl-on-girl, no BDSM, no animals! What kind of a sh_tty sex tape is this? DRINK - UP! IT'S NEW YEAR'S!
THAT'S ALL FOLKS - SEE YA NEXT YEAR! (Oh yeah, that's in just a few hours!)
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