'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer,
Kevin and Stacy were drunk again - just like sailers.
The doors were all locked and the windows were barred,
In hopes that their social worker had finally been fired.

The Pit Bull was asleep in beer on the floor,
While the rats chewed on D-Con and begged for more.
With Kevin in his wife-beater and Stacy in a thong,
They'd just settled down for some hits from their bong.

When out by the Dodge we heard bullets fly,
And rolled to the floor to avoid another drive-by.
Finally when outside it all sounded calm,
We cranked open the ceiling vent to see if they'd gone.
The fresh smell of gunpowder still tingled our nose
While the "low-crime" streetlight cast prison like glows.
When what to our Coors muddled brains should we see;
But a group of ATF agents in a black SUV!

The driver was wearing sunglasses to avoid the light,
Even though the time was well past midnight.
They braked on the gravel and slid by our door,
The SUV almost hit our neighbor, Cecilia the Whore.
They yelled and they shouted and they called out names
"Kevin & Stacy! - You're lowlifes and should be ashamed!"

And then in an instant they all disappeared,
They simply just vanished and man was that wierd!
We looked and we looked but they were truly gone,
So we figured they didn't know we'd skipped on our bond.
But the experience had changed us in ways for the good,
It affected us greatly and we finally understood.

We'd quit cooking meth and shoplifting too,
We said we'd get jobs and start over anew.
But then to us both it occurred in a flash,
Without our welfare checks we'd be out of cash!
No women, no beer, no fun in our lives,
The mere thought of it all just gave us hives.

So here we lay in our trailer on Christmas Day,
Glad for our low life and that's all we'll say.
But for one last comment and then we'll be done,
IF YOU LIVE LIKE US YOU'LL SURE HAVE FUN!

                                                                MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
                     We're off to the Indian Casino for the Christmas Buffet, and then guess what we'll be doing...